Living in another world

I sometimes wonder if I am living in a completely world to others around me, especially work colleagues. Their conversations revolve around what they watched on TV last night, which is usually a soap opera ( I don't follow any of them ), who they are going out with, who they want to go out with, how drunk they got last weekend, who they slept with ... it goes on. I don't drink alcohol, don't go out much ( normally too tired ) , I'm not in a relationship and don't sleep around . It feels I have little in common with them at times ... hence why I don't say a lot ... there isn't much to say. I found out just how much different I seem to be during last week.

It started as a fairly harmless chat. Lesley and Mandy were having their usual morning chin-wag about everything and nothing .... that day it was about the weather, and all the colds, coughs and sneezes that seemed to be around. Mandy said that there seemed to be a lot of illness around lately - her children were always coming down with something. Lesley agreed, and said that it wasn't like that years ago, when she was a kid ..... and then preceded to say something I didn't quite believe I was hearing. She stated that it wasn't like this when she was a kid, and that it must be all the "foreigners" that live here now, bring their germs with them that cause all these illnesses ..... and then Mandy agreed with her ! I just stood there open-mouthed - I truly could not believe she said that., and that Mandy agreed. I piped up that I didn't think that was right ; there were many possible causes for all this sickness - us as humans changing the environment around us, us travelling more to more exotic locations, illnesses becoming resistant to their present treatments .. many reasons. They both just looked at me as if I was an alien .... and said no, it was the foreigners. I said I "violently disagreed " ( not sure where the violence come in to it..... ) and I was walking away before I said something I regretted ..... they just looked at me blankly and carried on talking.


They really didn't see what the problem was, couldn't understand my reaction. Perhaps I might have overreacted .... but couldn't they see how intolerant, how racist their statement sounded ? I think I am becoming more sensitive to opinions like that, less likely to just let it pass unchallenged - it is probably due to what I learn through my tiny amount of work I do connected to Human Rights ... and what I have learned through my longstanding love of History and Current Affairs. It is opinions just like that, held by "normal" people - that their problems are not caused by themselves, but in some way by others seen to be different than them - that allowed regimes such as those in Germany in the 30's to take hold. I find it sad that two 'normal' people can hold such views ... said in jest or not. For Lesley and Mandy are normal; they have families, they go to work - they are not extremists, not goose-stepping, chanting Nazi/ BNP supporters - and they see what they said as normal too..... and I find that very sad. If that is what normal is, I think I would rather be considered an alien .... and I'm not the only one.....

Words of Comfort

I listened to a lot of music in the days after the events described in the previous post ..... I found it helped me , a form of solace and escape. These are lyrics from a Peter Gabriel track I listened to quite a bit then .... they seemed to sum up what I was feeling, and probably more accurately, what my Mum was feeling, directly after the passing of Nan. Just read them ... you will understand why... .

I Grieve

It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
It's just the way that we are tied in
But there's no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
It's so hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks it's empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me

Let it out an move on
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on in the people I meet
In everyone that's out in the street
In all the dogs and cats
In all the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

It's just the car that we ride in
The home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief ?
Or did I believe this dream ?
Now I will find relief
I grieve

Memories......

Although I am very tired, I'm finding it hard to fall asleep tonight ....... too many thoughts, feelings, memories running through my head at the moment. I cannot seem to shut them off tonight .... my mind has other ideas. The reason behind all this, for there is a reason ...... it is exactly a year today that my Grandmother passed away. I didn't think it would affect me like this .... I thought I had got over the worst of these feelings .... perhaps not ?. In the darkness and relative silence of my room, the events of that final night are playing like a film in my head today, each time I close my eyes ..... it doesn't seem real somehow, but I know I experienced it, I know I was there. ..... I know Nan is no longer here.

So many things are resurfacing in my mind, and I cannot seem to stop them at present ..... The frantic message on the answer-phone from my cousin, saying the hospital wanted us to get there quickly .... that Nan was sinking fast ...... the guilt of knowing that the message would have got to us faster if I hadn't been surfing the net .... the car journey to the hospital ..... the doctors talking to us ( my mum, aunt, uncle and two cousins ) , saying that she probably wouldn't last the night, that they could and would resuscitate her if her heart stopped, if we wished, but it would be kinder if they didn't ...... sitting by her bed, looking at this old, tired woman I didn't recognise any longer - that wasn't the woman I knew as my Nan lying there ....... being sent away by the medical staff so they could tend to her ..... a nurse coming to get us a few minutes later, just after midnight, to tell us she had gone .... seeing her afterwards, peacefully lying there as if she was just asleep ..... all the pain gone away ...... everyone around me crying, but for some unknown reason being unable to myself ..... returning home in the early hours of the morning, and not being able to , not wanting to sleep ... sitting up, watching over my Mum as she finally succumbed to tiredness, feeling like just for a moment our roles had changed .... I was now the one who had to look after her, not vice versa ...... so many memories of that time return tonight.

Perhaps now I have written them down, these thoughts and recollections will fade back into my subconscious again ... will allow me to sleep tonight .... but I know they will never go away completely. They will be there, just below the surface - I will just learn to deal with them, to live with them as time continues to pass ( I thought I had until tonight.... ) . They are part of my life experience now, part of me. Nothing can change that.

I hope you are at peace now Nan ..... we have not forgotten.

There is nothing left to say ...... life goes on ....... the rest is silence.

Flights of creativity

These are a few more images I created using Photoshop Elements. They were mostly created a few years ago, when I was going through a more "creative" spell than now - I used to customise / personalise blank t-shirts for myself with these doodles using t-shirt transfer paper, printer and computer ( of course ! ). I rediscovered them while going through stuff on my computer ..... some of them are not bad, if I say so myself ..... the result of many happy accidents , using the twirl and liquify functions on blocks of graduated colour ... perhaps I am a little more creative than I thought :-) ...?

Colour Burst
Flaming Spirals

Race Hate

Waves

Monochromatic*1

Monochromatic Heart

Alternative Tricolour

Cosmos

Rainbow Swirls

Instructions for Life

This is something that was originally posted on Jarre.net forum ( R.I.P.) quite a while ago by a fellow Jarrienne ( Turid ). It is not Jarre related - just a list of things to remember while living Life. It struck a cord with me at the time, so I saved a copy of the post. I just thought I would share her " words of wisdom " with others ..... enjoy.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE :

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve
   great risk.
2. When you lose or fail, don't lose the lessons learned. Follow the 3
   R's ;
   Respect for yourself
   Respect for others
   Responsibility for all your actions.
3. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful
   stroke of luck.
4. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
5. Don't let small disputes or arguments injure a great relationship.
6. When you realise you have made a mistake, take immediate steps to
   correct it.
7. Spend some time alone everyday .
8. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your core values.
9. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
10. Live a good and honourable life. Then, when you get older and
    think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
11. A loving atmosphere in your home is the best foundation for your
    life.
12. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current
    situation. Don't bring up the past.
13. Share your knowledge .... it is the only way to achieve
    immortality.
14. Be gentle to the Earth.
15. Once a year, go to a place you have never been before.
16. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for
    each other exceeds your need for each other.
17. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to obtain
    it.
18. Approach love and cooking with equal reckless abandon !