The ebb and flow of (my) petite obsessions

Back onto happier subjects (or happier to me anyway .. ) - my petite obsessions, both old and new.

There has been some disquiet on the fan forums connected to the Maestro, in particular @ Blah Blah Cafe. In the last few months, there has been a number of high profile members saying that they are leaving the forums, declaring they no longer have an interest in the Maestro and his work. Reasons given for these decisions have gone along the same lines - he isn't doing anything new ...  that his concerts have become repetitive and almost ' boring' ... that he is trading on past glories ...  that the promised 'new' album hasn't arrived yet and they are tired of waiting ... it goes on. It is sad that people come to feel this way about someone they have had an interest in for years,that they have invested so much time, money and effort in, but people change, and so do their interests. Things that seem important and vital at one point in your life can seem the complete opposite further down life's path. I can kind of understand where they are coming from - I have felt the same at times about things. I admit I am (maybe) not so excited by the stuff Jean Michel is doing at the moment than I have been in the past ( the concert @ the O2 arena last year was still amazing , but ... ), that it has been a L-O -N-G time since the last album, but I don't feel like the disenchanted fans, I haven't given up following him.

Perhaps I am being just a blind fangirl, perhaps my interest in the Maestro isn't as intense or informed as some of those who are unhappy, but my petite obsession with him is still there. It might not be as strong as it has been in the past, but it is still there. I have come to understand that, for me, my petite obsession ebbs and flows like the tide, but there is always a strong basic interest there. I love the work he has already produced , and probably always will do - it is almost part of my make-up, part of who I am now, I have been following so long . The petite obsession will have high points, will become more intense, around events like concerts and album releases, but it will mostly fall back to a constant norm after those, waiting for the next high to happen - and that is good enough for me. Anyway, I have more than one petite obsession or interest in my life - when one is declining back to its norm, another will be reaching its high point. That is the way it works. Perhaps this is what has happened to those disenchanted fans, but one interest has completely overridden another rather than just existing in balance with each other ..... or perhaps Life has given them something more important to concern themselves with ... I don't know. All I know is that for me, the Maestro and his music continues to connects to me in a way that is almost beyond description, and while that remains to be true, my petite obsession will continue - it is as simple as that.

I mentioned that as one obsession falls back, another seems to rise. In my case, that definitely seems to be true. As my long time obsession with the Maestro has returned to its default levels, my interest in a certain skinny Scot has gone from strength to strength ... yes, I'm talking about the (former) 10th Doctor - David Tennant.

It seems as if DT never stops working. Since leaving Doctor Who, he has done so much work ... audio plays for Radio 4, readings for audio books, a few films, TV dramas, voice-overs for ads, performing with the RSC and in the West End ... it goes on. My fear of him disappearing off our screens, and off the public's radar hasn't come to pass. Finding a few more fan sites devoted to him on-line has helped continue to fan the flames of obsession ( more information is always good ), but it is being maintained by the quality of ( most ) the work he has done ( I'm not blind to the "cash-cow" stuff he has done too ... ). Yes, I openly admit that he is easy on the eye *ahem*, but my interest in him is about more than just his looks - I'm not that shallow ( well, not quite ! ). His voice - be it his natural Scottish lilt or one of the many accents he uses ( especially the slightly posh English one ... ) is his most appealing and powerful asset. I find it just so expressive, there is so much emotion and feeling contained in it. Much as I find him attractive, and enjoy looking at photos or seeing him on the big/small screen ( and on stage ), I don't connect with him as strongly that way as when I am just listening to him during a radio play . Headphones on, eyes closed, the world shut out .... all there is is THAT voice ... bliss - I could listen to him for hours. I suppose his voice was the thing that turned my developing interest in him during the 10th Doctor period into a full blown petite obsession. It has the same affect on me as the Maestro and his music - connects to me in a similar way, and is as equally inexplicable as to why - it just IS. I expect this obsession, like that of the Maestro, to continue , in one degree or another, for a very long time .....

.... or perhaps not !

Following on from the last post here, Life hasn't 'begun' for me - yet. Four months on from my 40th, and almost nothing has changed - mainly because I haven't taken any steps or done anything to change it in any form. Why ? ... unfortunately I have allowed a major attack of the Darkness in to take over my thoughts for a large part of that time. It is a bit of a Catch 22 situation - Life gets me down, so I say to myself I must change it, but because Life is getting me down I become prone to attacks from the Darkness. While going through one of those periods, I don't feel like doing anything .... all motivation has drained away and, at its worse, almost everything seems pointless ( but not to the point of ending life itself - I've never got to that position and hope I never will ... ). Hence I don't feel like doing anything, so I don't, so nothing changes, so Life continues as usual, so I become fed up ... and so it goes on. I am determined to break this cycle though ... be it through help from others or just channeling my thoughts in a more positive way. I know I have said this before ( starting to sound like a cracked record on this subject .... ) but I can and I will do it. Just writing this helps in its small way ..... a step on a road to positive change. Perhaps I should focus more on small steps rather than looking for major leaps of change .... more likely to achieve what I want then !


Going back to the Darkness and its causes .... the main trigger, as usual, has been the Fun Factory. The feelings of being (virtually) invisible, unwanted,or the opposite and being in the way continue ... it lead to frustration at everyone and everything. I understand that they are both causes and, at the same time, symptoms of my state of mind, but they have been very real and ever present never the less. The work itself is just the same, as are the challenges I face ... mainly time restrictions and the thorny subject of the waste levels. I continue to fight on - somedays I win, mostly I don't ( leading to the frustrations et al ), but I know I cannot stop fighting, as if I don't fight I cannot ultimately win. Not winning , however long it takes, is not a option .... I am there until I find something else ( or they get rid of me .. ) .... so I have to deal with the work and my feelings ... I just keep my eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel, for there is some there and I will reach it.


Life at home has been up and down too, probably because of my dark state of mind .... the Darkness invaded all parts of my life, not just work - that was why it felt so overpowering at times. I felt like I had descended into a rut and nothing was getting me out of it. Frustrations with Mum and bigbrother have loomed large, triggered by something and nothing. They are both as controlling as ever, but not all the time .... don't allow them to be. Bigbrother is improving slightly, but that has more to do with the fact that his attentions are elsewhere now than anything .... he has a new 'special friend' . I don't know anything about her ( it is a 'her' ), not even her name - not important I know, but it would be nice - or how serious he is about her, so I cannot call her his girlfriend ( to be blunt and base , a new 'f***buddy' would be more true ...), but he is spending an increasing amount of his non-work time with her. This is not making Mum happy .... so the atmosphere is frosty to say the least. I don't think Mum is unhappy because he might have found someone special ( at least, I hope not ... he is entitled to do that ), more because he is out most nights he is not working with her until the small hours. Both Mum and I have turned into Human equivalents of an alarm clock .... I am fairly sure if we stop, he would be unable ( or unwilling ) to get up in time for work. As I said, this didn't create a great atmosphere at home .... Mum became even more prone to moaning ... and that didn't help my state of mind. It appears that bigbrother is getting himself a ' normal ' life .... I hope he remembers that I am allowed one too ....


Despite of the negative tone of this post, it hasn't been all doom and gloom since June. There have been high points as well as the lows - a visit to London to see DT ( that is David Tennant to those who don't know ) in Much Ado About Nothing in the West End was one ... more about that in a separate post I think !. That definitely brought a huge smile to my face and lifted my spirits for a while ( and gave me a chance to drool ... sorry 'admire'  DT in person ... *hee hee*:-) ). That upbeat feeling didn't last long though. There was a downside to dampen even this experience - even though I had only one ticket and planned to go on my own, Mum and bigbrother still had to come up to London with me ( lots of arguments over that .... just gave in for a quiet life ), and I was unwell on the coach journey home ( first time I was travel sick in 15 years ... ) .... but despite that, it was worth all the drama connected. There were other small things that made sure Life wasn't total darkness too .... cinema trips, DVD's I watched, music I heard ... the Darkness wasn't all consuming.


So, 3/4 of the year has passed, and I am pretty much as I was when it began .... in danger of allowing myself to sleepwalk through another period of my life. Not sure if that is entirely good - or bad . Still have the nagging feeling that I need to kick-start life, that there is more to it than what I am experiencing. Only I can do something about it though .... now the Darkness has faded more to the background ( I will not tempt fate to say it has totally gone ), now would be a good time to stop moaning about it and start doing, isn't it ? !