I am One ...

Not me personally ( although I am sure some people think I act like a baby sometimes ... ), but this Blog. A year ago today, I re-started this blog and wrote my first post here . I started off full of ideas and things to say and show .... but that didn't last long. Saying that, and although the rate of posts since then became a little sporadic (to say the least ), and the subject matter not entirely interesting to everyone, I have managed to keep it going in some form - a bit of an achievement for me !

All I can say is that I will try to keep writing: to write more frequently from now on ( after all, I still haven't written about my trip to see the Maestro yet .. that is at least one more post .... hee hee ! ) but I cannot promise anything - my life is still my life ... not that interesting to anyone but me.... ( see, I don't change do I ... ). I am still quite a private person, not able to share my thoughts and feelings that easily, but as that is exactly the reason why I set this blog up in the first place ( to provide an outlet for these thoughts and emotions ) I will try harder to share and open up a little to others. Who knows what the next 365 ( actually 366 - 2008 is a leap year ) days will hold for me ? ... it is going to be fun to find out , and to write about ....

Happy First Birthday my little Blog !

Wishes do come true

Right at the start of the year, at the start of this blog ( well, almost ... ) I wrote about some things I wanted to do, to achieve before the year was out. Amongst the usual ( lose weight and get a life generally ... ;-) ) were a desire to visit Paris again, and to see the Maestro in concert. I even said that it would be a wish to combine the two .... and to see Jean Michel in Paris. Well, the days, weeks and months of 2007 passed, and soon it was November .... almost the end of the year, and - as usual - most of my wishes were unfulfilled. I was resigned to not visiting Paris (lack of time, money and family commitments had won again, for the 3rd year running ), and as there wasn't a tour after the release of Téo and Téa , to not seeing the Maestro in concert. It was going to be another year I sleepwalked through .... and then the Oxygene 30th anniversary project was announced ....

I mentioned about the DVD/CD release connected to this in earlier posting to this blog ( just to note - I finally received my copy from Fnac.com @ the beginning of this week, and it was well worth the wait ... but more of that in another post I think ! ), but then in mid-November, a number of concerts were announced too . Jean Michel was to perform a series of concerts at the Theatre Marigny in Paris in December, playing Oxygéne live on the original instruments used to create it in the late 70's. It sounded wonderful, but I thought December = busiest time at work with almost zero chance of getting time off and Christmas approaching = zero spare money and chance of going. Then the actual dates were announced ... and a plan started to form in my head ....

To cut a long story short - I'M GOING !!. This Saturday, I'm travelling by coach to London, then by Eurostar to Paris, arriving @ about 2.30 pm. The concert is @ 9 pm, so I've only a little time to rest in my hotel room ( when I find it ... ) and compose myself before the show itself. The next day ( Sunday ), I'm travelling back, so it isn't going to be an in-depth visit to my favourite city ... but at least I'm going there this year. It is costing me money I cannot really afford to spend ( my savings look very sick @ the moment ), but the temptation was just too great. This is something I have wanted to do for a long time - the last time I was lucky enough to see Jean Michel in concert was 10 years ago, again in Paris during the Oxygene Tour - and I felt I just had to grab the chance while I could. I'm not getting any younger, and neither is Jean Michel ... not sure when the opportunity would arise again.

Now, I'm not sure if I'm excited or scared ... or both. Excited by the prospect of seeing the Maestro live again, of visiting Paris, of perhaps meeting some of the people I talk to @ Blah Blah Cafe in the flesh - there is talk of a fan-meeting during the day ( and yes, that's you Geejee, Nico and CLUBMIX , amongst others I'm talking about... ) .... scared because I'm travelling independently on my own and not part of an organised group ( unfortunately Bigbrother cannot come) , that there is so much that could go wrong ( missing the coach or train, not finding the hotel, not getting into the venue ...) and that my French is virtually non-existent ... it should be an interesting couple of days ! But I'm trying to put these fears to the back of my mind. I am going, everything will turn out fine and I will have a wonderful, magical time to remember.

Six days and counting ..... I cannot wait !

Holding my breath ....

... for just a little bit longer.

The release date for the Maestro's new CD/DVD has been delayed .... not actually a surprise ( this seems to happen every time he releases something recently ), but a bit disappointing anyhow. It is now being released in waves - France first ( still 26/11 ), UK and the rest of the world later ( 03/12 and onwards ). Never mind ... it is only one more week, at least for the DVD ( the CD only version has had it's release date put back to March 2008 for the UK ... WHY ? ) ..... and I might not have to suffer the delay anyway.

If you remember, I said I ordered the DVD from Fnac.com in the end ... which is a French site ... who are getting the DVD on 26/11 ( at the moment, fingers crossed ). If French mail services are quick enough, I'll get it before it is available in the UK .... it seems someone might just be on my side for a change ...... here's hoping !!

Time Wars ....

I feel like I am fighting a bit of an on-going battle with Time at the moment .....

It is taking me longer and longer to get out of bed in the morning. It is not that I go back to sleep, just that I lay there - awake but unwilling to move. One part of my brain is telling me it is time to get up ( which I know) ,another is telling me five more minutes will not hurt .... which extends to another five, then another ..... it normally ends up with me dragging my body out of bed at least 30 minutes after I should have. It is just that the mornings are becoming darker and colder .... my bed is nice and warm .... many reasons. It doesn't help that I seem to be going through one of my "grey" periods in life - nothing going on, work is getting on my nerves (again) , never having any ' spare ' money for even the smallest extras as it is disappearing as fast as I earn it on just on basics .... a general feeling of fed-upness. which comes and goes every once in a while. I know that only I have the power to do anything about all this ... to change it, to think more positively ... but that doesn't stop me being a little down sometimes - hence a current slowness to leave my bed to start another day ( which is probably going to be the same as the last ... ). I know it is not going to be like this forever ... there IS light at the end of the tunnel, spring WILL return , I WILL get out of bed when I should ..... but not just yet ... :-)

I have another conflict with the forces of Time when I get to work, but this is a different one entirely. Here, I get the impression that my work area is part of a completely different time zone to the rest of the store ... the rest of world sometimes. There is a fault in the time/space continuum that causes time outside this area to speed up .... I feel as if 30 mins have passed when actually I find 1 hour has. Time passes SO fast .... I never manage to leave work on time ... always find it a struggle to finish all my work in the allotted time period ... never have enough time to do everything. It is a source of amusement and frustration ... amusement to others ( "Are you STILL here ? ...." ) , frustration to myself. Whatever I do ... change my routine, skip jobs,whatever ... I still cannot appear to leave much earlier. Not helping my mood much .....

So my little battles continue ... I'll keep fighting and who knows, one day I might just win ....

Taking a new breath ....

Back onto my favourite subject ......

Now is a good time to be a Jarrienne ( for those who don't know, that is a Jean Michel Jarre fan, an admirer of the Maestro and his music ). After the all the debates and splits in the fan community over Téo and Téa ( some loved it, some hated it, some just ignored it ), it seems something is in the pipeline that is going to make (almost) everyone happy.

It is 30 ( yes, 30 ) years since Jean Michel released his most famous album - Oxygene. In the middle of the fury and anarchy of the start of Punk, this peaceful, calm portal to another place, another world quietly appeared and transformed those who heard it and allowed it to enter their hearts and minds then and ever since. I think I can safely say that is almost impossible to describe yourself as a fan / follower of Jean Michel and his music without liking this album ... it might not be your favourite, but it is universally liked within the fan community. It is one of two, maybe three albums ( definitely Equinoxe and probably Magnetic Fields ) which define just what Jean Michel's music *is*.

Well, a re-mastered , re-recorded version of this classic is being released on 26th November ... which is brilliant ( the extracts posted on the web, especially on the Maestro's Myspace page are mind-blowingly good ... fresh and vibrant but with the spirit of the old we all love), but there is more to this release to just that. There is also a version including the CD and a DVD of a small performance / concert ( define it as you wish .... ) the Maestro gave in September playing this album completely LIVE on the original analog equipment .... just what many fans had dreamed of for ages ( again, the video extracts I have seen, thanks to the various forums and websites, look amazing ). There is a further version, with the performance in 3D being released too. It seems the Maestro is returning to his roots ..... and that is going to make a lot of people very, VERY happy .... including me.

There is one fly in the ointment @ the moment - it isn't listed @ Amazon or Play.com ( or anywhere else I can see ) quite yet, so I cannot pre-order it , but that is just a small irritation. The news of the release is one piece of news that has made this Jarrienne a very happy bunny at the moment ..... only four weeks left and counting .... I cannot wait !

(edit : it is now avaliable @ both Amazon and Play (02/11) .... but I've already pre-ordered it from Fnac.com ( french site ) ... c'est la vie .... :-) )

The changing of the seasons

The children have all gone back to school, the students back to college and uni ..... the mornings are getting darker day by day ( soon I will be able to reclaim my title as "Queen of Darkness" , but not quite yet .... give it to the end of this month, and my transformation will be complete .... ;-) ) .... yes, Summer is over - not that it ever really began this year - and Autumn is here. Not surprisingly, now that Summer is gone, the weather has taken a turn for the better ... typical. OK, it is not THAT warm anymore, but it has been dry and sunny for the past week or so ... Mother Nature is having one final display of colour, with all the leaves changing and falling from the trees ( or in the case of the Horse Chestnut tree that I pass on my way to work, being knocked from the tree by kids trying to get at the "conkers" ( Horse Chestnuts) themselves ). It has been a real pleasure riding home from work, with the blue sky above and the roads bordered ( in places ) with trees of shimmering gold and blazing fire leaves.... magical.

As well as all those indicators to the end of Summer I have already mentioned, there is another. The Gardening and BBQ related items are being taken off display and packed away @ work .... and their place is being filled with Chocolate tree decorations, tins of biscuits, boxes of mixed nuts and puddings full of dried fruit and alcohol ... Christmas stock ! That is not as unexpected as you might think ... the calendar is slightly different in retail compared to the outside world. Christmas starts ( well, the stock connected to it starts arriving) at the end of August .... mince pies, mincemeat ( the sweet stuff, not beef or pork ! ) Xmas puddings, chocolate etc. That continues until the Christmas / New Year period itself .... when we then start receiving our stock of Easter Eggs! . I'm not joking... every year, without fail, for all the time I have been working in retail ( about 20 years ... ), the first delivery after Xmas ALWAYS contains a quantity of Easter Eggs ...... Then, at Easter, we start getting BBQ's and sun cream .... and so it goes on ... the time period or season inside the shop always about 2-3 months ahead of the time / season outside ( except for my part of the store ... which is in a different time dimension, a different universe to everything else all year around ... but that is another story ... ;-) ) It is enough to make your brain ache .... but you get used to it. C'est la vie .......

Beauty is only skin deep (apparently .... )

Sometime, people can be so superficial .......

I have been going through one of my little ' grey ' periods this week - nothing serious, just feeling slightly fed up with myself ... you look in the mirror and think you look a mess ( or more of a mess than usual, that is ) ... silly things like that. To brighten myself up, I decided to put a tiny, tiny amount of make-up on - just some eye-liner and neutral lip stick - before going to work. Nothing unusual there you would think ?..... well, it is slightly out of character for me I have to admit. I do make an effort when I go out in the evening and other special occasions, but I hardly ever wear make-up otherwise, almost never to work ... normally cannot be bothered with all that @ 5 am in the morning. Make up, or the lack of it , doesn't affect my ability to work or function as a human being .... I am still me, regardless of any superficial cosmetic enhancement . Despite that , I am a bit of a girlie @ heart .... it does make me feel better when I am down ... hence the small extra effort this week. As I said, it was only a tiny amount, applied for no reason other than to make me feel a little better ; and so I went off to work.... thinking nothing more of it.

The day started as usual - me getting on with my work in my little area, virtually invisible to everyone else ... . Then, about 9 am, I was on the shop-floor filling some of my fixtures with stock when Kath called out to me from her till -
" Why are you all made up ? ... "

That surprised me, as I didn't think it was that noticeable ... I just smiled and said nothing .... Kath continued...

" So who are you trying to pull then ?"

"No one, why ?"

" You don't fool me ... you fancy someone , don't you ? . Why else the make up ? "

It was pointless trying to tell Kath otherwise, she wasn't going to listen to me. I had make up on when I didn't normally ... therefore I had to be trying to attract attention from some male, and she wanted to know who. I know it was a harmless remark, but it actually annoyed me a bit. The fact that by making myself look slightly more presentable than I usually do, I must be after someone ... it couldn't just be for my benefit .... no, they could not believe that ! . And that wasn't the only time during the week I received that reaction to my "appearance " - a few others had similar ones - that I "scrubbed up well "...
.... yesterday, Froud asked " What's with the bright lipstick today ? " ( admittedly, the lipstick yesterday was more noticable ... by then, I thought if Kath wanted to think I was " on the pull" because of some barely there make up, so be it ... I would play along with her game ..... add fuel to the fire, so to speak ... childish I know but if you can't beat them.... ;-) ). Normally, I could be standing right in front of them, and they would look straight through me - suddenly, just because of a little eye-liner and lipstick, I was all too visible. I cannot say that I totally disliked being noticed but Excuse me, why all the attention now? I'm still me ! ... I'm still the person you normally ignore when I am au naturel ... as I said @ the beginning of this post - Sometime, people can be so superficial .......

Eek ... !

After a slight break in posting here, due to many different reasons ... the main one the fact I've just found myself too tired to do anything other than sleep @ the end of the day for the last month ... ;-) ... I thought I would make more of an effort today ( OK, it's early morning technically, but I'm awake , so ... ) and finally get around to writing SOMETHING ... LOL.

One of the reasons for my fatigue recently is feeling unwell - I caught yet another cold ( about the third in so many months ) . I normally seem not to be so prone to colds and general bugs and viruses that are around, but this year I'm being affected by them on a fairly regular basis. Nothing serious or dangerous ... just stupid coughs and sneezes that make my head ache, my nose run like a leaky tap ( or block up completely) and prevent me from sleeping properly... but energy draining all the same. The weather hasn't helped matters - it has been wet and damp for most of the Summer - but there is another reason for my 'get-up-and go' just getting up and disappearing ..... work stresses and strains.

Work has been busy .... it usually is this time of year. Despite the indifferent weather for most of June, July and this month, the sun has made an appearance once or twice ... and with the sun comes plans for barbecues and picnics ... so people need bread rolls for their burgers and loaves for their sandwiches. When it has been busy, it has got very busy at times... things have been a bit of a struggle, but I did what I normally do - put my head down and just work, work and work ... . I've also got a new set of sales targets to achieve, so I'm working even harder to meet them ( and keep they who must be obeyed happy ). Then, just to add to my tiredness and to totally stress me for the last three weeks, we developed a small problem ....... well, the cause of the problem is small, but the problem itself isn't .... and the longer we have the problem, the more serious it becomes. Let me explain ....

The problem comes in the form of something with a little pink twitching nose, tail and a preference for chewing cardboard, and breeding like rabbits - mice. Not good news, especially considering where I work. They can chew and eat the rolls, leave droppings everywhere and are generally BAD NEWS. It has been a nightmare. They seem to have got inside the store and taken up residence under one of the back-up freezers. Despite all the cleaning I do to keep my area hygienic, my area is just a ready made source of food for them. It doesn't do my stress levels any good to open a drawer, or move a box in the fridge and have a mouse looking at you, or dart across the floor .... (yes, funny when you read it here ... not when it happens to you ... ) everytime I see something move ( or appear to move ) out of the corner of my eye, I jump a mile. Adding to all this is the fact that my work area, although tucked away, does back directly onto the shop floor. If one of our little rodent friends decided to make an appearance there ... then we are in big, BIG trouble ! ... the kind that could close the store - hence the high stress levels.for all concerned. I know it is not entirely my fault ... I'm only human, I clean as good as I can and I follow the rules ... but that doesn't stop me stressing. It is being dealt with - pest control have been in with their traps and poison and we have caught a few - but until we get the all clear ( for now ), I'm still going to be on tender hooks. At least I haven't seen them for the past week .... doesn't mean they have gone though .....

So you can see, I've been a little stressed and under the weather. All I have wanted to do at the end of the day is go to sleep ( not very productive to writing a blog, or doing anything else really ... ) - but things are getting better now ... I think ?. Life goes on .....

Return of the curse ......

It has returned ..... the sore throat, the runny nose, the headache from hell, the total loss of energy .... yep, I've caught yet ANOTHER cold !. I don't know what is wrong with me this year - I seem to be picking up every cold and virus that is going around lately ...... not good. Perhaps I should do more to try and protect myself from them ....
but it is (supposed to be ) Summer .... hay fever, yes - Colds .... no!, it's the wrong season for that ... at least normally.

To be honest, I'm not really surprised I've caught another cold .... considering the amount of times I have got wet in the past week riding to and from work on my bike ( It has been a very, VERY wet week .... all it has done is rain most days ) , it is lucky I haven't gone down with flu or something worse....
Oh well, it's back to the lemsip and cough syrup for me .... seconds out - round two ........ ;-)

Me and my petite obsession ...

A long time ago ( well, earlier in this blog ) I said I would explain more about my petite obsession with the Maestro ( otherwise known as the Conductor of the Masses, or more simply as Jean Michel Jarre ) ..... well, perhaps it is time ....

This is the image that really started it off .... the cover of "Revolutions" (from 1988). I had heard of Jean Michel before this - I recall some of the boys @ school being into him and remember watching his concert in Houston (Rendez - vous Houston) on television in 1986 . I remember it, at the time, not so much for the music ( which I did enjoy ) or for Jean Michel himself, but for the sheer spectacle of the event (which is something Jean Michel became known for .... his concerts are normally - but not always - huge events ...) . All those lights and fireworks, and having a whole city skyline as a backdrop - it was a concert performed on a mind blowing scale. It really impressed me, but after it finished I didn’t think that much more about it - or about the man behind it all. The next piece of the puzzle came a few years later. I remember looking around Woolworth's one day in '88 with some friends. We were, as usual, looking at the new album releases when my eye was attracted to one cover in particular. A male face was peering out at me; correction - a handsome male face was peering out at me. I took a closer look - the album was ‘ Revolutions ’ . There was something about his picture on the cover that attracted me - his eyes seemed to be looking straight at me, almost into me ( I still didn’t buy the album though ). A few weeks later, I was at home when bigbrother came bounding into my room and said he had bought a new tape, and that I should have a listen. I did, and found I quite liked this ‘ mystery ’ tape - it was different, the music almost classical at one point, yet another track had a very ethnic feel to it. I asked him what it was ( he wouldn’t let me see the tape ), and he produced its case, with a picture I recognised from Woolworth's a few weeks earlier - yes, it was Revolutions. ( So it seemed I like his music just as much as his face ! ). Bigbrother allowed me to make a copy of the album for myself , and it was from this point my interest in Jean Michel and his music started to grow.

Thinking about it now, it is hard to explain just what it is I like about Jean Michel's music ... I've been listening to it for so long now, it is hard to recall a time when it wasn't part of the soundscape of my life. Looking back with hindsight, I had been listening to, and liking, the Maestro's music even before I realised it .... through cheap covers cassettes sold on market stalls I listened to during my childhood. I grew up in the 80's, so I was surrounded by bands playing synths / electronic music, so it wasn't just that element of it. It is not about the style or genre of music he creates either - his music covers everything from minimal ethereal synth doodles to bombastic semi-orchestral epics to world fusion to dance. There is just something about it, an 'X' factor, that connects with me in a way no other music does .... like a key that unlocks a hidden, secret part of me, a key to the gate to my emotions. That may sound over the top to some ( and it might be ) , but that is what I feel. I'm not that interested in the technological side of the music - which instruments he used , how he created the sounds .... I'm more involved in how it makes me feel, about emotions it evokes, about the ideas and concepts behind it rather than in what machine made which noise.



As for Jean Michel himself .... well, lets just say I don't exactly find him ugly..... LOL. As the photos accompanying this post show, he is a very handsome, as well as creative ( he also paints ), intelligent ( degrees in French and English Literature from the Sorbonne ) and talented man ... ( what can I say .... I'm only human ;-) ). I mentioned in an earlier post I am fascinated by peoples eyes ... how you can watch someone grow older, but their eyes stay the same ... so it is with Jean Michel. After all, it was his eyes that attracted me in the first place, on the Revolution cover ..... . Despite his change of hair style, of the style of clothes he wears, of the passing years ... his eyes and gaze stay (almost) the same to me. My head tells me that it is probably now down to clever lighting, or make up, or the photos being "enhanced", but I don't really care .... they still have the power to stop me in my tracks at times. At heart, if you look into my eyes, behind them I am still the naive 17 year old who looked at that cover in Woolworths .... and always will be.



In the movie Forrest Gump the lead character says that " Life is like a box of chocolates " ... my interest in the Maestro and his work is some what like that. How ? ..... well, look at it this way - think about a big box of the finest Belgian (or in this case, French ) chocolates. These chocolates are packaged in the most beautiful, eye-catching, exquisite box and wrapping. The thing is, the packaging can be as eye-catching as it could possible be to attract me to the chocolates, but unless I like the contents - i.e.: the chocolates - then I'm not going to buy them. So it is with Jean Michel and his music ..... yes, I do find him attractive ( still ), but that is just the packaging .... the thing that has kept me interested in him over the past 18 or so years is the music and the ideas behind it...... and it will be that that continues to keep me interested for years to come ... ( His continued good looks are just an added bonus....... ;-) )

Happy Birthday .....

... to me !

Yep, this is completly self-indulgent of me, but today is my birthday ! My age .... closer to 40 than I was yesterday....LOL ! ( OK, I'm 36 ). Do I feel that old ? What does 36 years old feel like ? In answer to those questions ... no and I don't actually know. I don't feel any different now than I did @ 30 ... or even 21 ( despite of the fact that I do look older, but not old ). Yes, I have more life experience now than then, but I still don't feel, in my head, like someone who left school 20 years ago...... time is passing faster and faster though .... next thing I know, I will be the Big 4-0 .....half my life gone ..... will I feel that old? - I doubt it !

For once, I was not working. Just spent the day with my Mum, doing girly things like hitting the shops for some serious retail therapy and slouching around the house watching DVD's. No parties or stuff .... not that into parties , and I've gone beyond the time when you would celebrate every birthday I think ! Had lots of birthday greetings from my on-line friends @ Blah Blah Cafe forum ( more than I expected .... ) which made me smile ... didn't realised I was noticed that much really !..... Thank you all ( if you read this... ), they meant a lot to me.... I've had a good day, and I'm happy , so that is enough for me .... life goes on....

Counting my blessings

The weather over the last week or so has been beautiful ... well. most of the time. Blue skies, sun shining, fairly warm ( for April anyway ) .... and, of course, for most of it, I have been at work .... tucked away in my small windowless bakery area ... :-( . I did get to see some of the sunshine though, during the Easter weekend break. It was wonderful ... a chance to recharge a little after the busy build-up to the holiday......

It is at times like this when I realise just how lucky I am to live where I do. Although I live and working in quite an urban environment, surrounded by noise , by buildings, cars ... the general sights and sounds of any town or city .... escape from all this, if I wish, is not far away. Walk 30 minutes from my house or workplace, and you can find yourself at the seashore / beach, watching the waves roll in and breaking on the shore. and breathing in that fresh sea air ( ... a slight downside is that the beaches are covered with pebbles, not sand, in this part of the coast ... but you can't have everything .. ;-) ). Travelling a little further, and by car, it is only a 30 - 45 minute drive inland and you can be standing on top of Portsdown Hill, with a commanding view over the whole of the harbour area and beyond - to the South across the Solent, the Isle of Wight ; to the east , towards Hayling Island and to the west , towards Southampton Water. Travelling just a little more inland, and you can find yourself surrounded by rolling farmland and countryside, of fields a blaze of yellow rapeseed flowers or full of lush green young plants ... of small villages amongst the patches of woodland.... ( and, unfortunately, in between the major roads and motorways ... ) . Yes, I'm very lucky to have all this on my doorstep, and the good weather only enhances the beauty of it all - after all, everything looks better in the sunshine. I hope it will always be like this , but I know it will not be ... the march of progress continues unabated , as the towns and cities around here grow to merge into each other in a mass of concrete and tarmac. So I'm counting my blessings now , while I can ......

City of dreams .....

As I have mentioned before ( and probably will again ! ) one of my favourite places on the planet is Paris. I have visited it a few times in the past 10-12 years, and each time it manages to weave its magic over me ..... the history, the culture, the buildings .... I just fell in love with the city the first time I visited, and that feeling hasn't gone away.....


It is a place I can escape to ... away from work, away from family (most of the time... ) ... and just be me again. I can be a complete tourist, and go looking at all the sights .... Notre Dame, Eiffel Tower, L'arc de Triomphe....or I can just find a quiet spot somewhere by the river, or in the Jardin du Luxembourg or Champ de Mars. I can sit down on a bench, under a tree or bridge arch and just watch theworld go by - do nothing and dream the day away - , or I can read, or write ( I almost always have a note book with me on my travels ... and my camera - hence the photos with this post: they are mine :-) )


Whatever I do, it is up to me ..... no-one else to worry about. It is just somewhere I can go to recharge my emotional and physical batteries, ready for the challenges ahead.


I haven't managed to visit in the past few years; circumstances and finances haven't allowed me to ..... perhaps that is why I feel so drained and down a times lately ?... I haven't had my fix of the city of light ?. But I will visit Paris again .... I know I will..... and soon ( hopefully! ).....

Who am I ?

I sometimes wonder who the real me is; who is the 'true' me ?. I seem to have one face, one identity at home ... another at work ... perhaps another with friends. All these roles I play, all these masks I wear ... behind which one is actually me ?

I find myself sometimes standing and listening to myself and wondering why I said that, or did what I just did....? Is that what I really feel, what I really want to do .... or is it what I think people around me want to hear or see ? The clouds of self -doubt, of lack of self-belief have impaired my view of who I am . The problem is not helped by all the barriers I seem to be so adept at building around myself. I have built so many around me over the years, even I am unable to get inside them all anymore ..... unable to get to the true heart of me ( or what I think is the heart of me ).

For at the heart of me, or, at least, what I believe is the heart of me, there is still a small, shy, quite quiet girl who is no great genius, but is not as stupid as she sometimes looks or sounds .... just an average girl . She sometimes makes an appearance to the outside world ... but not often. She is normally hidden from sight, behind the masks and barriers. The walls she builds around herself, the masks she wears are her form of self-defence - a way of deflecting the ridicule and hurtful actions and words that are directed at her, or might come her way . Being laughed at, being made a fool of, feeling that she is not wanted, that she doesn't fit in the masses just because she is being herself .... all these things just cause her walls to get higher and stronger..... and even harder to break down, even when she wants to .... and sometimes she does. People around her only see the masks, the walls .... but no-one really sees her. How can she connect with anyone special, to share her heart with someone else when they cannot get past all the barriers in their way ? Who knows ... but she tries all the same. The walls will come down, the masks will be discarded ... but it will take time, for she must feel safe enough, confident enough to expose her true self and not worry about the consequences .... and she hasn't got there quite yet...... :-|

The ' petite obsession' continues

You might have noticed a new addition to the blog .... a (discrete!) red banner proclaiming the release of a new album from the Maestro. Why ? ... well, why not ! ..... ;-) Just a little something to help spread the word ...... LOL! ( it would help even more if I could get the link embedded in it to actually work! ... but never mind.... the thought was there..... a link to the album promo site is also here)
NB: the embedded link now also works!

I have to say, despite the leaked copies doing the rounds on the internet, I haven't actually heard all the album yet..... just a few excerpts. Reading the opinions of those who have heard it , on the fan forums, it seems opinion is pretty divided - some seem to love it ... other hate it with a vengeance. From what I have heard so far , I don't think it is the greatest thing Jean Michel has ever produced ..... but I don't dislike what I have heard . It sounds fun. I will be more able to make an informed opinion when I get the CD in my hands, and listen to it all @ home. I've ordered a copy from Play.com ( the 2 disk version of course .... as any self-respecting fan would ! ) .... hopefully, if I am really lucky, I might just receive it @ the weekend ( its release date is Monday (26/03), but Play sometimes sends items out a little early, just to make sure you get them on day of release ) but if not, I'm not too worried .... it isn't too much longer to wait anyway. Four days and counting ...... as you can see, my petite obsession with the Maestro continues .... roll on Monday !

(Thankfully) relinquishing my title......

Well, it had to happen a some point....... I can no longer claim to be the Queen of Darkness. I have had to relinquish that title ...... for the next 6 months anyway. Why ? - Spring is here at last ! ( well, almost ..... Mother Nature cannot quite make her mind up about that ... ;-) ).

It has still been light when I leave work for a while now - even when I leave @ 6 p.m., I find myself riding towards a slowly sinking sun rather than a dark sky and rising moon. No fiery sunsets yet .... but there will be. Now it is also getting lighter in the mornings too .... but not completely (yet). It is still dark when I leave home @ 5.30 am, but the sky isn't the inky blue/black of a winter sky ....... now it is a deep intense. vibrant blue which changes as I travel towards work ( my journey involves me travelling west to east, so in the morning I am riding towards the breaking day ). While on the ferry, I watch the sky change - at the horizon shades of lavender and orange appear as it starts to slowly lighten...... clouds seem to glow with an internal light as the sun lights them from below, turning them pastel pink and orange before rising through them ..... continuing my travels, riding along the (fairly) quiet city streets, buildings and trees appear as silhouettes against this immense background - little detail can be seen, but their form and shape stand out ...... the intense blueness rises into the higher reaches of the sky, chased away by the sun's rays - the rest of the sky gently fading to a baby blue....

This is how the morning begins ( if it is not raining, of course !) - Gaia at her most peaceful and beautiful - a multi coloured display to greet the new day .... you can see why I like this time of year...... ;-)

Bank of littlesister

I have a dilemma , and it is one of my own making ......

Bigbrother ( in other words, Justin - my brother ) has a problem. His car has broken down - I'm not sure what is actually wrong with it, but at the moment it is sitting outside our house, quietly rusting in the rain. The problem is that he cannot afford to get it fixed. Apparently, it is going to cost up to £1000 to be repaired ( and most of that is labour charges ! ), and he hasn't got that kind of money. Despite earning almost double what I do a month, his financial commitments ( loans, card payments, car insurance etc. ) means he has no savings to cover something like this, and he REALLY cannot afford another loan .... but he needs a car for his work. At the moment, he is getting lifts from work friends, but that cannot continue indefinitely. As I said, a problem.

My dilemma ? I don't have as many financial commitments as Bigbrother, so have managed to save just a little bit of money over the years, but not much. It is there as an emergency fund, something to fall back on if I ever lose my job ( it would be enough for a few months .... ). At the moment, I feel like one of those caricatures in a cartoon, with a devil sitting on one shoulder, and an angel sitting on the other. Both are talking in my ear . I have offered to pay to get Bigbrother's car fixed - after all, he does need his car, and as I have the money, the sister-like thing to do would be to help him .... so says the angel. But the devil is saying, on the other hand , that is my money - why should I give it to Bigbrother ? It was my hard work that earned it , and I might need it in the future - that is why it is there in the first place . He is unlikely to be able to pay it back, as he never has any spare money himself. ... as you see, a dilemma.

This would not be the first time I would have helped out Bigbrother in this way ... at times, it has felt like I have been his personal private bank - The Bank of littlesister .... but I know I will help him, despite my internal debate. After all , what are sisters for ....... :-)

Living in another world

I sometimes wonder if I am living in a completely world to others around me, especially work colleagues. Their conversations revolve around what they watched on TV last night, which is usually a soap opera ( I don't follow any of them ), who they are going out with, who they want to go out with, how drunk they got last weekend, who they slept with ... it goes on. I don't drink alcohol, don't go out much ( normally too tired ) , I'm not in a relationship and don't sleep around . It feels I have little in common with them at times ... hence why I don't say a lot ... there isn't much to say. I found out just how much different I seem to be during last week.

It started as a fairly harmless chat. Lesley and Mandy were having their usual morning chin-wag about everything and nothing .... that day it was about the weather, and all the colds, coughs and sneezes that seemed to be around. Mandy said that there seemed to be a lot of illness around lately - her children were always coming down with something. Lesley agreed, and said that it wasn't like that years ago, when she was a kid ..... and then preceded to say something I didn't quite believe I was hearing. She stated that it wasn't like this when she was a kid, and that it must be all the "foreigners" that live here now, bring their germs with them that cause all these illnesses ..... and then Mandy agreed with her ! I just stood there open-mouthed - I truly could not believe she said that., and that Mandy agreed. I piped up that I didn't think that was right ; there were many possible causes for all this sickness - us as humans changing the environment around us, us travelling more to more exotic locations, illnesses becoming resistant to their present treatments .. many reasons. They both just looked at me as if I was an alien .... and said no, it was the foreigners. I said I "violently disagreed " ( not sure where the violence come in to it..... ) and I was walking away before I said something I regretted ..... they just looked at me blankly and carried on talking.


They really didn't see what the problem was, couldn't understand my reaction. Perhaps I might have overreacted .... but couldn't they see how intolerant, how racist their statement sounded ? I think I am becoming more sensitive to opinions like that, less likely to just let it pass unchallenged - it is probably due to what I learn through my tiny amount of work I do connected to Human Rights ... and what I have learned through my longstanding love of History and Current Affairs. It is opinions just like that, held by "normal" people - that their problems are not caused by themselves, but in some way by others seen to be different than them - that allowed regimes such as those in Germany in the 30's to take hold. I find it sad that two 'normal' people can hold such views ... said in jest or not. For Lesley and Mandy are normal; they have families, they go to work - they are not extremists, not goose-stepping, chanting Nazi/ BNP supporters - and they see what they said as normal too..... and I find that very sad. If that is what normal is, I think I would rather be considered an alien .... and I'm not the only one.....

Words of Comfort

I listened to a lot of music in the days after the events described in the previous post ..... I found it helped me , a form of solace and escape. These are lyrics from a Peter Gabriel track I listened to quite a bit then .... they seemed to sum up what I was feeling, and probably more accurately, what my Mum was feeling, directly after the passing of Nan. Just read them ... you will understand why... .

I Grieve

It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
It's just the way that we are tied in
But there's no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
It's so hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks it's empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me

Let it out an move on
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on in the people I meet
In everyone that's out in the street
In all the dogs and cats
In all the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

It's just the car that we ride in
The home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief ?
Or did I believe this dream ?
Now I will find relief
I grieve

Memories......

Although I am very tired, I'm finding it hard to fall asleep tonight ....... too many thoughts, feelings, memories running through my head at the moment. I cannot seem to shut them off tonight .... my mind has other ideas. The reason behind all this, for there is a reason ...... it is exactly a year today that my Grandmother passed away. I didn't think it would affect me like this .... I thought I had got over the worst of these feelings .... perhaps not ?. In the darkness and relative silence of my room, the events of that final night are playing like a film in my head today, each time I close my eyes ..... it doesn't seem real somehow, but I know I experienced it, I know I was there. ..... I know Nan is no longer here.

So many things are resurfacing in my mind, and I cannot seem to stop them at present ..... The frantic message on the answer-phone from my cousin, saying the hospital wanted us to get there quickly .... that Nan was sinking fast ...... the guilt of knowing that the message would have got to us faster if I hadn't been surfing the net .... the car journey to the hospital ..... the doctors talking to us ( my mum, aunt, uncle and two cousins ) , saying that she probably wouldn't last the night, that they could and would resuscitate her if her heart stopped, if we wished, but it would be kinder if they didn't ...... sitting by her bed, looking at this old, tired woman I didn't recognise any longer - that wasn't the woman I knew as my Nan lying there ....... being sent away by the medical staff so they could tend to her ..... a nurse coming to get us a few minutes later, just after midnight, to tell us she had gone .... seeing her afterwards, peacefully lying there as if she was just asleep ..... all the pain gone away ...... everyone around me crying, but for some unknown reason being unable to myself ..... returning home in the early hours of the morning, and not being able to , not wanting to sleep ... sitting up, watching over my Mum as she finally succumbed to tiredness, feeling like just for a moment our roles had changed .... I was now the one who had to look after her, not vice versa ...... so many memories of that time return tonight.

Perhaps now I have written them down, these thoughts and recollections will fade back into my subconscious again ... will allow me to sleep tonight .... but I know they will never go away completely. They will be there, just below the surface - I will just learn to deal with them, to live with them as time continues to pass ( I thought I had until tonight.... ) . They are part of my life experience now, part of me. Nothing can change that.

I hope you are at peace now Nan ..... we have not forgotten.

There is nothing left to say ...... life goes on ....... the rest is silence.

Flights of creativity

These are a few more images I created using Photoshop Elements. They were mostly created a few years ago, when I was going through a more "creative" spell than now - I used to customise / personalise blank t-shirts for myself with these doodles using t-shirt transfer paper, printer and computer ( of course ! ). I rediscovered them while going through stuff on my computer ..... some of them are not bad, if I say so myself ..... the result of many happy accidents , using the twirl and liquify functions on blocks of graduated colour ... perhaps I am a little more creative than I thought :-) ...?

Colour Burst
Flaming Spirals

Race Hate

Waves

Monochromatic*1

Monochromatic Heart

Alternative Tricolour

Cosmos

Rainbow Swirls

Instructions for Life

This is something that was originally posted on Jarre.net forum ( R.I.P.) quite a while ago by a fellow Jarrienne ( Turid ). It is not Jarre related - just a list of things to remember while living Life. It struck a cord with me at the time, so I saved a copy of the post. I just thought I would share her " words of wisdom " with others ..... enjoy.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE :

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve
   great risk.
2. When you lose or fail, don't lose the lessons learned. Follow the 3
   R's ;
   Respect for yourself
   Respect for others
   Responsibility for all your actions.
3. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful
   stroke of luck.
4. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
5. Don't let small disputes or arguments injure a great relationship.
6. When you realise you have made a mistake, take immediate steps to
   correct it.
7. Spend some time alone everyday .
8. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your core values.
9. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
10. Live a good and honourable life. Then, when you get older and
    think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
11. A loving atmosphere in your home is the best foundation for your
    life.
12. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current
    situation. Don't bring up the past.
13. Share your knowledge .... it is the only way to achieve
    immortality.
14. Be gentle to the Earth.
15. Once a year, go to a place you have never been before.
16. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for
    each other exceeds your need for each other.
17. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to obtain
    it.
18. Approach love and cooking with equal reckless abandon !

Soundtrack of my life

Continuing on a musical theme ......

It is amazing the power music can have - its ability to evoke memories, places, feelings ..... a way to travel in time and space. Although I am not a musician ( I don't play any instruments, and the only singing I do is along to the radio in the bath ! ) it seems like music has always been there in my life .... as it is in most people's , I expect.

Browsing through the sales a few weeks ago, I found a copy of " The very best of ELO " at a very cheap price. I've always liked some of their music so I bought it - it didn't matter if I didn't like all the tracks, for I wouldn't be wasting too much money. Listening to it at home, I suddenly found my mind being taken back in time ..... to my childhood in the late 70's ... memories of playing in the garden, the sound of " The diary of Horace Wimp " being played on the radio drifting out from the house. Television didn't play that much of an important part in my childhood : looking back, it seemed we were always listening to the radio, and it was from the radio that I heard most of the music I remember. It was quite a mixture - country, easy listening, pop, classical ...... ELO, Supertramp, Sky ( remember them ? ).... I'm sure Jean Michel was in there somewhere, ( after all, Oxygene came out in ' 77 ) but I'm not conscious of it at that point in my life... I do remember Emmeson, Lake and Palmer with " Fanfare for the Common Man " though ( connected to the 1976 Olympics. I think ? ).... so electronica came into view from an early age it seems.....

The 80's and it's music takes me back to my teenage years ...... from Duran Duran , Howard Jones and Nik Kershaw to Prefab Sprout, Peter Gabriel, Sting, Black, Pet shop boys, INXS .... most of the music I listen to now stems back in some way to that time in my life ..... oh, and my little obsession with a certain artist started about then too.... LOL!! .... memories of school days, dancing around my bedroom to " Union of the Snake ", revising for final exams with " Notorious " playing in the background ( as you can tell, I was a bit of a Durannie then.... ).... happy, care-free days ...... seeing the cover of " Revolutions " for the first time, and watching Destination Docklands on Channel 4 - now * that * started something that hasn't finished yet ( and I hope it never does ) ........

So Life carried on, I grew older, more music entered my little world to accompany new experiences.... The Shaman, James, Sash!, Seal, Transglobal Underground, Natacha Atlas, Khaled, Rachid Taha , Afro Celts, Air..... my first trip to Paris, seeing Jean Michel in concert for myself @ Wembley Stadium ..... the ups and downs of adult life .... heartache and heartbreak ...... good times and not so good times .....

I can be taken back to any place, any point in my personal time line, and all it takes to do that is for me to just listen to a CD , or a song playing on the radio....... and the music can take me there. Long may that continue .......

Good things come to those who wait .....

There has been a lot of activity on the Jarre fan forums , especially around the topic of the upcoming album .... what is it going to be called?, what is it going to be about ? , what it is going to sound like ? , what synths are being used ?, when is it going to be released? and so on . There have been small snippets of "official" information about it from Aeroprod , but not much ..... and a mountain of unofficial info, rumours, "fake" preview tracks etc. . That is where most of the debate on the forum has come from. People complaining about the lack of "real" information, that there is no media campaign yet, that we don't actually have the release date confirmed yet, that they don't like the preview of the (possible) first single ( and if that is actually going to be the single at all ) ...... it goes on and on.

I have to say, on a personal note, that a little more official information would be nice - it would stop some of the more crazy rumours from going around and being taken as fact - and the two previews on Youtube are very gratefully received by me ( * big grin * LOL ) , but I am not in such a hurry as some of the others on the forums are. The Internet is a wonderful thing, enabling people to obtain and communicate information about subjects in a blink of an eye , and that is not a bad thing ..... but sometimes it can feel like too much information, too fast to me . For some (generally younger I have to admit ) people on the forum, they want and expect things to be like that all the time. A sense of patience seems to have been lost to them in the race to find out what they want to know ... they want all the info, and they want it now (if not yesterday !). This is going to make me sound very old, but I remember a time ( and it wasn't THAT long ago ) when it wasn't like that .... when you only found out about an album release early if you were lucky and had a friend working in a record store to tip you off .... when the first time you saw the cover art was generally when you saw the album in the shop ..... when you didn't (usually ) know what it would sound like until you bought it and took it home to listen to. There was a sense of excitement to record buying which seems to have been lost to some. Yes, there was the risk you would buy the album and find that you hated it ..... but there was also the intense pleasure of experiencing something new and wonderful for the first time, untainted by previews and leaked snippets.

I had quite a late introduction to the wonders of the web ( didn't get Internet access @ home until 2002 ) , so this was the way I found out about releases for most of the time until then - in relation to Jean Michel , right up until Oxygene 7-13 ( after that, I found Conductor of the Masses fanzine, so there was a little more insight for me into what he was doing ... :-) ) .... what I am saying is that you don't always need to have information months in advance, and for that info to go into intimate detail about an album release ( although some information is always helpful.... ) to be interested in it . A little mystery can only heighten the expectation and the enjoyment of when you first discover the music for yourself. As the title of this post states , " Good things come to those who wait " ....... that is especially so when it comes to Jean Michel and his music ...... after all , having a sense of patience is almost a requirement when it comes to being a Jarre fan ..... ( and one of Peter Gabriel , Kraftwerk, Sting .... the list goes on ... but that is another topic.....) .

Mother Nature regains her memory......

I woke up this morning to find that Mother Nature has suddenly remembered that it is actually January, not March ....... it was windy , damp, and it was COLD ! I don't think the temperature had been below 10 degrees Celsius since winter began ( well, except for a short spell in November perhaps ... ) .... now it was struggling to reach 5 degrees : just a bit of a sharp contrast. All the plants and flowers that have been starting to spring up in people's gardens are going to have a bit of a shock to their systems ... if this cold snap doesn't kill them off all together ...... spring might not be so colourful this year after all this .....

It stayed cold all day, and the forecast is for it to get colder during the week - perhaps even cold enough for snow ? That may sound like a stupid statement to make to some - after all , winter = cold = snow, ice, frost etc. - but I live on the south coast of the UK, and we hardly ever get snow. I will not say never, for it does happen once in a while ( but never lasts for more than a few days or a week at the most ), but not very often ( writing that last statement is probably tempting Fate - fully expect to open the curtains tomorrow to find 2
feet of snow !!! ) ...... the last time was a few years ago, and that created chaos .... getting to work was NOT fun - especially not on my bike ! . Despite being almost as far north on the planet as Norway, the UK cannot seem to cope with cold weather ..... public transport grinds to a halt ( especially the railway system - the trains
seem to be stopped by ANYTHING : leaves in the Autumn, the "wrong" type of rain in the spring, the track buckling because it is too hot for them in the Summer ... it would be funny if it didn't happen so often ... ), the roads become unusable - including the motorways - because they resemble ice-rinks ( no-one thinks of gritting them until after they become covered in ice....) ... and so on - it has been like that for as long as I can remember. The Nordic countries can have temperatures and conditions that we here only find in industrial deep freezers ( - 24 degrees and metres of snow for months ), they have that year in. year out, and they manage to cope and function quite normally ..... we have millimetres of something resembling snow once in a blue moon, and we go to pieces..... that just about sums the situation up - pathetic really, isn't it ?

Simple things

littlesister, originally uploaded by littlesister.

Another example of my ( lack) of artist talent..... LOL.

This is just a simple doodle of mine...... a simple, minimal, child-like drawing of the features of a face ( yes, that is what it is supposed to be ! ) .... in some way, it represents my face ( sans glasses of course ). It is my "trade-mark" ( of sorts) - I tend to doodle this next to my signature on greetings cards ... a visual mark connected to me.

The main focus to the drawing, I think, are the eyes ...... the "windows to your soul" it is said... eyes just hold a facination to me ( probably because mine are actually so unremarkable, but that is just me and my opinion of myself ... ). No matter how someone changes their appearence over the years, no matter how they might age, the one thing that doesn't change is their eyes. Yes, they might get bags under them, or lines .... but basically they don't change. You can look into the face of an eighty year old, and be able to see the eyes of the child still within them .......

So, this is me ..... my soul on view ( well, kind of ....) - "littlesister" .... make of it what you will.....

Why does it always rain on me ... ?

... as the song goes on.... "Is it because I lied when I was seventeen
? " ( the song is by Travis, if you didn't know ) ...

I haven't had a great week so far - nothing has gone dramatically wrong, but nothing has gone particularly right either. Managed to oversleep twice ( something I hardly ever do ) .... I didn't get up until 5 am ( when I should actually be leaving the house that time .... ) . Then to compound that, and to make me even later for work on Tuesday, my bike developed a problem on the way there ( a puncture ) - I had to walk the rest of the way with the bike, then walk all the way home again that night. ( again, with the bike ) before I could fix the problem.Unfortunately, I don't live that close to my place of work - I live in a different town about 3 or so miles away ( hence why I cycle ) - so it was a bit of a long walk. Why didn't I catch a bus ? - because I was more than half way there before it happened, and as I said, I was running late already ....... and the local bus company doesn't really like having bikes on their vehicles....;-) . I couldn't repair the bike while at work because I didn't have a puncture repair kit with me, and there are no cycle repair shops in the area to do it for me .... it just goes on....... I sorted that problem out in the end. The bike repaired and ready to go, and after getting up on time, I rode to work this morning ( well, I should say I was BLOWN to work - the weather was very , VERY windy today..... ) - that went OK. I went to get my bike at the end of the day .... and found the back tire was flat again ( it was another puncture !!) - cue another long walk home. To say I wasn't a happy bunny is an understatement...... .

To link up with the subject of my previous post ...... I think my particular guardian angel is absent this week ... they must be on holiday, or sick, the way this week has gone so far......

Despite all the moaning, I am not unhappy ..... there is good news around ..... and it is Jarre related ..... * big grin *. There has been some new news on the new album, and about the soon-to-be released single ...... all I am saying ( at the moment anyway ) is if that teaser on YouTube is what the new album is like, I'm not going to be too unhappy about it .... * even bigger grin * .... roll on March ....... ( that is, if there are no delays .... :-) )

Someone to watch over me .....

angel, originally uploaded by littlesister.

As you might be able to tell from the above picture ( and my profile image ), I like the idea of there being such things as angels .... not so much in the religious way ( as a winged messenger, bringing the word of God to us mere mortal Humans ) - my image of them is more secular.....

One of my favourite films is one called Wings of Desire. In it, the skies around us ( in this case, the skies in question are above a still divided Berlin) are populated by gentle, trench-coat wearing angels who watch over the city's inhabitants, listening to their thoughts, and trying to comfort them in times of need ( The main premise to the story is that one of the angels falls in love with one of these troubled souls, and wants to become mortal, to become Human, so he can be with her ). In my mind, angels are more like that - a mostly unseen but friendly presence ..... someone to watch over us, to listen to our unspoken hopes and fears ... our moments of doubt and inspiration ... thinking along those lines is a comfort to me when I am down. For those who have a strong religious faith, I expect this sounds a lot like the role of God has in their life ( after all, when you are praying, that is exactly what you believe you are doing ... you are talking to God, and he is listening to you ) and that is OK ... but in my head, the angels are listening to anyone and everyone, they are there for them regardless of who they believe in .....

The picture I started the post with is something I have on my wall at home. It is just an oversized greetings card I found one day which I liked, and I framed it.. I like the image a lot .... there is something serene and peaceful about it .... the expression on the angel's face is thoughtful and just a little melancholic ... she is just sitting there in contemplation ... it is a beautiful image for me ... one that seems to sum up how I feel inside sometimes ... ( but that is another (long) story...:-) ). I hope you enjoy it too, for your own reasons.....

Travelling without moving....

There are some people who seem to have visited everywhere .... been
there, seen that, got the t-shirt . They collect air-miles like others
collect stamps ; they want to experience everything and everywhere
for themselves - and then there are others who have never set foot
outside their home town, and are quite content with that . I'm
somewhere in between the two - a mixture of both . I haven't travelled
much : the furthest I've got is to Paris and Bruges ( which isn't that
far really ! ) and it wasn't until I was well into my twenties that I
even managed to do that. There are reasons for that - lack of money,
family commitments, the fact that I used to suffer extremely with
travel-sickness when I was younger are a few - but I'm not unhappy
about it. That isn't to say I don't want to travel ..... if money and
time were no obstacle, there are many places I would like to go myself
..... China, India, right around Europe, North Africa. But I'm not too
concerned, for I have a way of experiencing a little of these places,
and many others without even leaving my home....

I can travel to far off places, experiencing amazingly diverse cultures, breathtaking scenery, enchanting sights and sounds whenever I want to ..... by just immersing myself in a book, or watching a DVD, or by listening to a CD. It is quite easy..... :-)

I enjoy reading a lot, and always have done ( even though I don't read as much now as I did ... ) - it is something I have inherited from my mum. A good book can take me away from where I am now, and transport me to another place ..... and that place doesn't just have to be another country. I can go back or forwards in time .... to places real or imagined ... even into outer-space - anywhere my mind ( and the book) wants to take me. From every book I read, be it fiction or non-fiction, I have new experiences, learn new things ...... I've become an eternal student in the University of the Universe.

The same is true for the music I listen to, and DVD's I watch. Through listening to (and watching ) artists such as Jean Michel Jarre and Peter Gabriel ( to name just two ) , I have been able to travel to new lands of my own making ..... to see other places I could only dream about visiting . Through their musical influences, I have opened my ears ( and eyes ) to experience other cultures ( and their artists ). For example, Peter Gabrielintroduced me to the music of Youssou N'dour ; through Jean Michel, I first discovered Khaled ... and through him Rachid Taha, Faduel and many others. I have acquired a taste for music other than just theDance-driven tunes of the UK charts, and through this music I can travel the world at will .

My taste in DVD's is not entirely mainstream either ( at least, not for the UK ) ... what are loosely described as "World Cinema" movies - ( i.e : movies not from the Hollywood film factory , not always English language ( but with subtitles), and with a story-line to them - rather than just being a series of explosions tied together with love scenes ....). Watching these takes me away to another place too.....

So you see , I don't need to actually fly around the world to see the sights ( although that doesn't mean I don't want to ! ) .... I can visit them already, and there is no limit to where else I can go, or see, other than my ability to read, listen and dream.......

Power of positive thought

Feeing a lot better, mood-wise, today than I have for a week or so. I'm
not entirely sure why - not much has changed : work is still work, home
life is basically the same as usual - but I am just happier. It is as
if the dark clouds that had temporarily surrounded my head have begun
to clear, and I can start to see patches of clear blue sky ahead .....
the glass has gone back to being half- full again .... after all, I
have things to look forward to in the near future ( a new album from
The Maestro for one ! )
So, again , I can only apologise to anyone following this blog ( that
seems to be you alone Geejee @ the moment .... ;-) ) for the depressing
tone of some of the previous posts ... it is not that interesting or
comfortable to read when they are all like that, is it ? It was just
the way I was feeling at the time ... not much I can do about that I'm
afraid. Unfortunately, I always seem to able to write fluently when I
am down in the dumps ( hence the L o n g posts ... ) ... it is a
way of exorcising what is troubling me, I suppose. I must also try to
stop writing late at night too ... too much time and temptation to
dwell on the negative aspects of my thoughts that time of day ....
things should improve now ( hopefully ). Anyway, enough about my mental
state .... I'm starting to sound like a cracked record on that subject
.....

Work today was busy, for reasons other than customers. The store had a
stock-take today - this meant I had to count and record every loaf,
every cake, every last bread roll we had in stock ..... a LOT of work.
It wasn't so hard with the boxes of unopened stock - they had the
amount they contained printed on the side of the boxes, so I just had
to record the numbers in each box ..... but the open boxes of stock
took a little longer to record ... ( 1, 2, 3, 4 ....... 120, 121 , 122
..... and on and on ...). All this was done while the store was open,
and obviously, I couldn't bake anything until it was completed. I
didn't start the days baking before 9 am ( I usually start @ 6 am ) ...
there were some unhappy customers today, but at least it wasn't all my
fault this time.

One of my work friends - Angie - was leaving today : she was retiring.
She had worked in the store for absolute ages and had reached
retirement age a year or so ago, but continued to work. Looking at her,
you would have never believed she was over Sixty. But now, due to
health reasons, she had decided to stop .... even though she still
didn't really want to. Her leaving was quite sad ..... but in a happy
way . She is a very nice person, always had time to talk and listen ...
I don't think anyone disliked her. The girls had a collection so we
could get her a leaving present ( a crystal vase ) and I made the
leaving card ( as seems to be the norm ... but I don't mind! ). We
gathered around and presented her with it at the end of her shift ...
she seemed to like the present ... she was just on the edge of tears,
and so were we ! I have to say, things will not be the same without
Angie around.........