City of dreams .....

As I have mentioned before ( and probably will again ! ) one of my favourite places on the planet is Paris. I have visited it a few times in the past 10-12 years, and each time it manages to weave its magic over me ..... the history, the culture, the buildings .... I just fell in love with the city the first time I visited, and that feeling hasn't gone away.....


It is a place I can escape to ... away from work, away from family (most of the time... ) ... and just be me again. I can be a complete tourist, and go looking at all the sights .... Notre Dame, Eiffel Tower, L'arc de Triomphe....or I can just find a quiet spot somewhere by the river, or in the Jardin du Luxembourg or Champ de Mars. I can sit down on a bench, under a tree or bridge arch and just watch theworld go by - do nothing and dream the day away - , or I can read, or write ( I almost always have a note book with me on my travels ... and my camera - hence the photos with this post: they are mine :-) )


Whatever I do, it is up to me ..... no-one else to worry about. It is just somewhere I can go to recharge my emotional and physical batteries, ready for the challenges ahead.


I haven't managed to visit in the past few years; circumstances and finances haven't allowed me to ..... perhaps that is why I feel so drained and down a times lately ?... I haven't had my fix of the city of light ?. But I will visit Paris again .... I know I will..... and soon ( hopefully! ).....

Who am I ?

I sometimes wonder who the real me is; who is the 'true' me ?. I seem to have one face, one identity at home ... another at work ... perhaps another with friends. All these roles I play, all these masks I wear ... behind which one is actually me ?

I find myself sometimes standing and listening to myself and wondering why I said that, or did what I just did....? Is that what I really feel, what I really want to do .... or is it what I think people around me want to hear or see ? The clouds of self -doubt, of lack of self-belief have impaired my view of who I am . The problem is not helped by all the barriers I seem to be so adept at building around myself. I have built so many around me over the years, even I am unable to get inside them all anymore ..... unable to get to the true heart of me ( or what I think is the heart of me ).

For at the heart of me, or, at least, what I believe is the heart of me, there is still a small, shy, quite quiet girl who is no great genius, but is not as stupid as she sometimes looks or sounds .... just an average girl . She sometimes makes an appearance to the outside world ... but not often. She is normally hidden from sight, behind the masks and barriers. The walls she builds around herself, the masks she wears are her form of self-defence - a way of deflecting the ridicule and hurtful actions and words that are directed at her, or might come her way . Being laughed at, being made a fool of, feeling that she is not wanted, that she doesn't fit in the masses just because she is being herself .... all these things just cause her walls to get higher and stronger..... and even harder to break down, even when she wants to .... and sometimes she does. People around her only see the masks, the walls .... but no-one really sees her. How can she connect with anyone special, to share her heart with someone else when they cannot get past all the barriers in their way ? Who knows ... but she tries all the same. The walls will come down, the masks will be discarded ... but it will take time, for she must feel safe enough, confident enough to expose her true self and not worry about the consequences .... and she hasn't got there quite yet...... :-|

The ' petite obsession' continues

You might have noticed a new addition to the blog .... a (discrete!) red banner proclaiming the release of a new album from the Maestro. Why ? ... well, why not ! ..... ;-) Just a little something to help spread the word ...... LOL! ( it would help even more if I could get the link embedded in it to actually work! ... but never mind.... the thought was there..... a link to the album promo site is also here)
NB: the embedded link now also works!

I have to say, despite the leaked copies doing the rounds on the internet, I haven't actually heard all the album yet..... just a few excerpts. Reading the opinions of those who have heard it , on the fan forums, it seems opinion is pretty divided - some seem to love it ... other hate it with a vengeance. From what I have heard so far , I don't think it is the greatest thing Jean Michel has ever produced ..... but I don't dislike what I have heard . It sounds fun. I will be more able to make an informed opinion when I get the CD in my hands, and listen to it all @ home. I've ordered a copy from Play.com ( the 2 disk version of course .... as any self-respecting fan would ! ) .... hopefully, if I am really lucky, I might just receive it @ the weekend ( its release date is Monday (26/03), but Play sometimes sends items out a little early, just to make sure you get them on day of release ) but if not, I'm not too worried .... it isn't too much longer to wait anyway. Four days and counting ...... as you can see, my petite obsession with the Maestro continues .... roll on Monday !

(Thankfully) relinquishing my title......

Well, it had to happen a some point....... I can no longer claim to be the Queen of Darkness. I have had to relinquish that title ...... for the next 6 months anyway. Why ? - Spring is here at last ! ( well, almost ..... Mother Nature cannot quite make her mind up about that ... ;-) ).

It has still been light when I leave work for a while now - even when I leave @ 6 p.m., I find myself riding towards a slowly sinking sun rather than a dark sky and rising moon. No fiery sunsets yet .... but there will be. Now it is also getting lighter in the mornings too .... but not completely (yet). It is still dark when I leave home @ 5.30 am, but the sky isn't the inky blue/black of a winter sky ....... now it is a deep intense. vibrant blue which changes as I travel towards work ( my journey involves me travelling west to east, so in the morning I am riding towards the breaking day ). While on the ferry, I watch the sky change - at the horizon shades of lavender and orange appear as it starts to slowly lighten...... clouds seem to glow with an internal light as the sun lights them from below, turning them pastel pink and orange before rising through them ..... continuing my travels, riding along the (fairly) quiet city streets, buildings and trees appear as silhouettes against this immense background - little detail can be seen, but their form and shape stand out ...... the intense blueness rises into the higher reaches of the sky, chased away by the sun's rays - the rest of the sky gently fading to a baby blue....

This is how the morning begins ( if it is not raining, of course !) - Gaia at her most peaceful and beautiful - a multi coloured display to greet the new day .... you can see why I like this time of year...... ;-)

Bank of littlesister

I have a dilemma , and it is one of my own making ......

Bigbrother ( in other words, Justin - my brother ) has a problem. His car has broken down - I'm not sure what is actually wrong with it, but at the moment it is sitting outside our house, quietly rusting in the rain. The problem is that he cannot afford to get it fixed. Apparently, it is going to cost up to £1000 to be repaired ( and most of that is labour charges ! ), and he hasn't got that kind of money. Despite earning almost double what I do a month, his financial commitments ( loans, card payments, car insurance etc. ) means he has no savings to cover something like this, and he REALLY cannot afford another loan .... but he needs a car for his work. At the moment, he is getting lifts from work friends, but that cannot continue indefinitely. As I said, a problem.

My dilemma ? I don't have as many financial commitments as Bigbrother, so have managed to save just a little bit of money over the years, but not much. It is there as an emergency fund, something to fall back on if I ever lose my job ( it would be enough for a few months .... ). At the moment, I feel like one of those caricatures in a cartoon, with a devil sitting on one shoulder, and an angel sitting on the other. Both are talking in my ear . I have offered to pay to get Bigbrother's car fixed - after all, he does need his car, and as I have the money, the sister-like thing to do would be to help him .... so says the angel. But the devil is saying, on the other hand , that is my money - why should I give it to Bigbrother ? It was my hard work that earned it , and I might need it in the future - that is why it is there in the first place . He is unlikely to be able to pay it back, as he never has any spare money himself. ... as you see, a dilemma.

This would not be the first time I would have helped out Bigbrother in this way ... at times, it has felt like I have been his personal private bank - The Bank of littlesister .... but I know I will help him, despite my internal debate. After all , what are sisters for ....... :-)