Lazy Sunday

It may be a New Year, but the wheels of change turn very slowly in my little world. Sunday followed the pattern of so many other Sundays ....wake up (or be woken up) about 8.30, breakfast, visit Nan's grave to refresh the flowers, a little food shopping, return home to cook/eat Sunday Lunch, watch TV / DVD's for the afternoon before a wash/bath then bed. That is how it goes, week in, week out, following the same timetable laid out in Mum's head, with little variation. There may be a drive around the area, if bigbrother is home too, or we all might go out if something particular has been planned, but that is how it generally goes on a Sunday. You could set your watch by it all. Sometimes .... most of the time ... it suits me just fine - other times it drives me mad. Today was somewhere between the two states.

I know these feelings can make me frustrated, grumpy, bad tempered .... but do I do anything to change it, do I say anything ? No, I don't, and that just fuels the frustrations even more. I need to sort myself out, say to Mum what is wrong when I feel like this, even if it is all a bit selfish. She may not even realise anything is wrong. Things cannot change ( if I really want them to change, that is) if I continue to just silently stew in the corner. I have to live my own life - it that fits in with others, all well and good, if it doesn't .... I have to open my mouth and say something - it is my life in the end. This may all sound a bit melodramatic, a bit over the top ... perhaps it is ... but I do need to make changes, both at home and work. I need to be me, and not a version of me I think everyone around me wants just to keep them all happy .... I need to be happy too, happy to be me.