.... or perhaps not !

Following on from the last post here, Life hasn't 'begun' for me - yet. Four months on from my 40th, and almost nothing has changed - mainly because I haven't taken any steps or done anything to change it in any form. Why ? ... unfortunately I have allowed a major attack of the Darkness in to take over my thoughts for a large part of that time. It is a bit of a Catch 22 situation - Life gets me down, so I say to myself I must change it, but because Life is getting me down I become prone to attacks from the Darkness. While going through one of those periods, I don't feel like doing anything .... all motivation has drained away and, at its worse, almost everything seems pointless ( but not to the point of ending life itself - I've never got to that position and hope I never will ... ). Hence I don't feel like doing anything, so I don't, so nothing changes, so Life continues as usual, so I become fed up ... and so it goes on. I am determined to break this cycle though ... be it through help from others or just channeling my thoughts in a more positive way. I know I have said this before ( starting to sound like a cracked record on this subject .... ) but I can and I will do it. Just writing this helps in its small way ..... a step on a road to positive change. Perhaps I should focus more on small steps rather than looking for major leaps of change .... more likely to achieve what I want then !


Going back to the Darkness and its causes .... the main trigger, as usual, has been the Fun Factory. The feelings of being (virtually) invisible, unwanted,or the opposite and being in the way continue ... it lead to frustration at everyone and everything. I understand that they are both causes and, at the same time, symptoms of my state of mind, but they have been very real and ever present never the less. The work itself is just the same, as are the challenges I face ... mainly time restrictions and the thorny subject of the waste levels. I continue to fight on - somedays I win, mostly I don't ( leading to the frustrations et al ), but I know I cannot stop fighting, as if I don't fight I cannot ultimately win. Not winning , however long it takes, is not a option .... I am there until I find something else ( or they get rid of me .. ) .... so I have to deal with the work and my feelings ... I just keep my eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel, for there is some there and I will reach it.


Life at home has been up and down too, probably because of my dark state of mind .... the Darkness invaded all parts of my life, not just work - that was why it felt so overpowering at times. I felt like I had descended into a rut and nothing was getting me out of it. Frustrations with Mum and bigbrother have loomed large, triggered by something and nothing. They are both as controlling as ever, but not all the time .... don't allow them to be. Bigbrother is improving slightly, but that has more to do with the fact that his attentions are elsewhere now than anything .... he has a new 'special friend' . I don't know anything about her ( it is a 'her' ), not even her name - not important I know, but it would be nice - or how serious he is about her, so I cannot call her his girlfriend ( to be blunt and base , a new 'f***buddy' would be more true ...), but he is spending an increasing amount of his non-work time with her. This is not making Mum happy .... so the atmosphere is frosty to say the least. I don't think Mum is unhappy because he might have found someone special ( at least, I hope not ... he is entitled to do that ), more because he is out most nights he is not working with her until the small hours. Both Mum and I have turned into Human equivalents of an alarm clock .... I am fairly sure if we stop, he would be unable ( or unwilling ) to get up in time for work. As I said, this didn't create a great atmosphere at home .... Mum became even more prone to moaning ... and that didn't help my state of mind. It appears that bigbrother is getting himself a ' normal ' life .... I hope he remembers that I am allowed one too ....


Despite of the negative tone of this post, it hasn't been all doom and gloom since June. There have been high points as well as the lows - a visit to London to see DT ( that is David Tennant to those who don't know ) in Much Ado About Nothing in the West End was one ... more about that in a separate post I think !. That definitely brought a huge smile to my face and lifted my spirits for a while ( and gave me a chance to drool ... sorry 'admire'  DT in person ... *hee hee*:-) ). That upbeat feeling didn't last long though. There was a downside to dampen even this experience - even though I had only one ticket and planned to go on my own, Mum and bigbrother still had to come up to London with me ( lots of arguments over that .... just gave in for a quiet life ), and I was unwell on the coach journey home ( first time I was travel sick in 15 years ... ) .... but despite that, it was worth all the drama connected. There were other small things that made sure Life wasn't total darkness too .... cinema trips, DVD's I watched, music I heard ... the Darkness wasn't all consuming.


So, 3/4 of the year has passed, and I am pretty much as I was when it began .... in danger of allowing myself to sleepwalk through another period of my life. Not sure if that is entirely good - or bad . Still have the nagging feeling that I need to kick-start life, that there is more to it than what I am experiencing. Only I can do something about it though .... now the Darkness has faded more to the background ( I will not tempt fate to say it has totally gone ), now would be a good time to stop moaning about it and start doing, isn't it ? !