Who am I ?

I sometimes wonder who the real me is; who is the 'true' me ?. I seem to have one face, one identity at home ... another at work ... perhaps another with friends. All these roles I play, all these masks I wear ... behind which one is actually me ?

I find myself sometimes standing and listening to myself and wondering why I said that, or did what I just did....? Is that what I really feel, what I really want to do .... or is it what I think people around me want to hear or see ? The clouds of self -doubt, of lack of self-belief have impaired my view of who I am . The problem is not helped by all the barriers I seem to be so adept at building around myself. I have built so many around me over the years, even I am unable to get inside them all anymore ..... unable to get to the true heart of me ( or what I think is the heart of me ).

For at the heart of me, or, at least, what I believe is the heart of me, there is still a small, shy, quite quiet girl who is no great genius, but is not as stupid as she sometimes looks or sounds .... just an average girl . She sometimes makes an appearance to the outside world ... but not often. She is normally hidden from sight, behind the masks and barriers. The walls she builds around herself, the masks she wears are her form of self-defence - a way of deflecting the ridicule and hurtful actions and words that are directed at her, or might come her way . Being laughed at, being made a fool of, feeling that she is not wanted, that she doesn't fit in the masses just because she is being herself .... all these things just cause her walls to get higher and stronger..... and even harder to break down, even when she wants to .... and sometimes she does. People around her only see the masks, the walls .... but no-one really sees her. How can she connect with anyone special, to share her heart with someone else when they cannot get past all the barriers in their way ? Who knows ... but she tries all the same. The walls will come down, the masks will be discarded ... but it will take time, for she must feel safe enough, confident enough to expose her true self and not worry about the consequences .... and she hasn't got there quite yet...... :-|